YOU CANNOT DIE, LILIBET-THE ALTERNATIVE SIMPLY WON'T DO

Prince Philip: The bloody cheek of that rag to ask if Prinny would be a "good" king! Him and his precious organic leeks and daft wind turbines peppering our magnificent countryside! I won't have it, I tell you, Lilibet.

Queen Elizabeth: Calm down now, darling. You know he has promised to exit the country because that tiresome Tony was able to ban the hunts.

Prince Philip: Blast! That was aeons ago and he's still here doing comedy routines on telly ... like Stephen blinking Fry.

Princess Anne: Now Daddy, you know how long it takes for Juggy to pack for an extended stay.

Prince Edward: Right and you know how he dithers.

Prince Philip: Well let's ring Lizzie A. and ask her to plan a first rate going away do for our Prinny, shall we my little Sausage? Pippa can give her  a hand.

Queen Elizabeth: Not very subtle is it? Still and all, a grand excuse for him to order a new frock and tiara for Jaws isn't it? I wager he won't be able to resist!

Prince Andrew: Good show, Mum, well done Dad!! I'll arrange for a DJ myself. I'm thinking disco. 

Tim Lawrence: Hope you don't have any ideas about inviting You Know Who, Andrew?

Prince Philip: I'd like to see Koo light up the night myself, Timmy.

Sophie Wessex: Will the Spencers come? I know they'd just love to see the back of Charlie and the twins are jolly good fun.

Princess Anne: Let's not go over the top, Soph. Let's just include Andy Parker Bowles, Soames, Junor , Tara Palmer Tomlinson, Tiggy Pettifer and Fawcett. No one under 50 unless they're family.

Queen Elizabeth: Consult your calendar, Phil darling.

Prince Philip: After you take your vitamins and swig down your Malvern water, my pet. Must keep healthy, God save our Queen and all that!

Pippa Middleton: I'll see if James will be free to create a cake for the occasion. Something with a Tuscan village flair.

Dowager Duchess of Devonshire: Make it a surprize party, wait, it can't be. Takes a while to construct a humungous tiara, doesn't it?

Queen Elizabeth: Nevermind , Debo, we'll let them know at the last minute and the V&A can loan them one. You've not told me why you called Mummy " Cake."

Dowager Duchess of Devonshire, with an infectious laugh: Don't get me started on either topic, Ma'm. You know how that woman jumped the queue! Philip's right, take your vitamins and have a restful nap, please!!